


Six Times The Avengers Stopped An Alien Invasion

by Closer



Category: Marvel, Marvel Avengers Movies Universe, The Avengers (2012)
Genre: Alien Culture, Alien Invasion, Gen, Steve Really Hates Nazis, Thor Really Loves Coffee
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-06-30
Updated: 2012-06-30
Packaged: 2017-11-08 21:38:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 3,673
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/447827
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Closer/pseuds/Closer
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sure, the Avengers are strong, but they're also not stupid. When aliens invade, they usually have a plan.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Tony Stark And The Alien Spacemonkeys

Tony Stark had flash, Steve would give him that. When SHIELD informed them that several alien fleets were massing over Earth with their gun ports open, Tony looked thoughtful for a minute, uncharacteristically silent while the others debated what to do. Then he stood up and said, "I got this one."

Three minutes later, Iron Man left Earth's atmosphere.

"Tony, what are you _doing?_ " Steve asked over the comm SHIELD opened with him.

"It's cool," Tony said. "I spaceproofed it. I could probably get to the moon in this thing if I had some snacks. Whoa," he added, as the fleets came into view. "Okay, they look a lot bigger from up here."

"That wasn't what I meant," Steve replied.

"Cap, as much as I'm loving this conversation, I need this bandwidth for something else right now," Tony said, and the comm cut out. A split second later, Tony's face appeared on every screen in the room.

"Sir, he's broadcasting on all channels," one of the SHIELD techs called.

"What exactly does that mean?" Steve asked.

" _All_ channels. All radio and television frequencies, in all countries. He's commandeered several Stark telecom satellites. As far as I can tell, only emergency services channels are unaffected."

"Well, the satellites do belong to him," Natasha said quietly, a small smile on her face. On the screen, Tony glanced down briefly, then back up, and that cocky-asshole grin appeared. The view cut to an external camera mounted on Tony's helmet.

"HEY!" they heard Tony yell. "ALIEN SPACEMONKEYS! OVER HERE!"

The ships seemed unimpressed, but Tony wasn't fazed either. "So there's a lot of you and just one tiny puny me, and I'm pretty sure you probably don't speak English, but let's see if you can try this phrase on for size: four weeks ago the Chitauri tried to invade Earth."

That, Steve saw, got their attention. There was subtle movement amongst the fleet of ships drifting over Earth. The word _Chitauri_ , probably.

"And as you can see," Tony added, "That was quite an interesting moment in the history of the planet."

The view switched again, from Tony's helmet camera to clips of the fight in and over Manhattan. Tony had been recording the whole time, and the news had gotten quite a bit of it too; Steve watched himself go hand-to-hand with a Chitauri, Hulk punch one of the flying monster ships in the face, Thor blow out every window in a building with his hammer. There was the portal through which they'd attacked, and there was Natasha, zooming along on the back of the flying fighter, a look of fierce concentration on her face. Steve hadn't seen that clip of Hawkeye shooting things without looking at them, before now.

"I think you should be aware that six of us -- " the clips stopped briefly for profile photos of the Avengers, probably taken from SHIELD archives, to appear -- " _six of us_ stopped the invasion."

Then came a second clip Steve hadn't seen before: outer space, yes, but different stars in the sky, different ships, and the white edge of a missile being hurled towards one of them. Tony hadn't let this footage out to SHIELD or the media. It was the bombing of the Centauri mothership.

"Holy..." Clint breathed, next to him.

"So to conclude the lecture," Tony was saying, and it cut back to his helmetcam. Several of the smaller ships had already departed. "There are six of us."

Six little lines appeared on the screen in glowing green.

"Down there?" Tony asked, and lines began to fill and fill and fill the screen, hundreds and then thousands and even more, "Down on Earth, there's _six billion_ of us."

Steve could see the moment when the lines suddenly made sense to the other ships; one by one their gun ports slid closed, and they began to drift away.

"Tell your friends!" Tony called after them cheerfully. "You fuck with Earth, you fuck with six billion badasses!"

* * *

When Tony landed, the Iron Man suit was bright silver, the paint stripped off during the heat of re-entry.

"Tony," Steve said, as Tony pried himself carefully out of the too-hot-to-touch armor. "That was amazing."

"Yes, it was, thanks," Tony said absently, and then paused. "Wait, what?"

"I said, that was amazing," Steve repeated.

"Oh. Uh. Okay," Tony said awkwardly, clearly startled by the praise. "Thank you. I am so glad that worked and they didn't just incinerate me."

"Was that a possibility?"

"We need to show you more science fiction films," Tony muttered, carefully pulling his foot out of one of the boots. "See, I figure we can ride on our _beat the Chitauri_ reputation for like, at least seven to ten years before someone comes along who won't buy the bragging. Besides," he shrugged, stretching now that he was fully free of Iron Man, "you start running, they never let you stop."

"What?" Steve asked, head jerking up from where he'd been studying the discarded chestplate. Tony looked at him, amused.

"You start running, they never let you stop," he repeated. "It's something Dad used to say."

"Oh," Steve said, remembering a lifetime ago, in a car on the way to the lab, saying the same thing to Peggy. "Sure. Sounds like him."

"Hey, right, you knew him. Shoulda listened closer, Capsicle. Come on, lunch is on me when we save the world."


	2. Clint Isn't Fond Of Genocide

"Okay, so here's my question," Clint said, his mouth the only part of him moving as he watched people pass in the plaza below his perch in a park tree. "I get why aliens might come here, our sun is pretty great and Earth has Dunkin Donuts. We're all sex, drugs, and rock'n'roll. We're probably the Las Vegas of this galaxy. I understand the attraction."

There was a quiet, long-suffering, tolerant sigh on the comm.

"What I want to know is why they're all so fucking intent on genociding us," Clint continued. "Does space make people really angry? Does the capability for travel between solar systems encourage violent behavior? Do they hate jazz music or something? Because these people, I swear, they need some Sesame Street remedial lessons in getting the fuck along."

"I'd watch that," he heard Tony say. "Clint Barton guest stars on Sesame Street, in a segment PBS calls _Getting the Fuck Along_. I'd make a major donation to public television for that. I wonder how much I'd have to give them to get them to do a beeped out _fuck_ on Sesame Street."

"Hey, I'd totally do the cameo if we could shoot the sketch into space at the genocidal aliens," Clint replied.

"I have satellites," Tony said. "And I'm sure I know a guy who knows a guy at the Muppets. I could get you Grover."

"Not Kermit?"

"Grover's big right now, so I hear."

"How exactly do you hear these things?"

"Gentlemen, if we could focus, please," Coulson said, and Clint thanked his incredibly, incredibly lucky stars that the news of Coulson's death had been exaggerated for effect.

"I'm on it, sir," Clint said. "If I make this shot without blowing up the plaza, can we make the Sesame Street Getting The Fuck Along sketch?"

"If you make this shot I am writing you the Get The Fuck Along Song," Bruce announced.

"You never miss," Coulson said, sounding bored. "I'm not bribing you."

"Rephrasing." Clint adjusted his aim. " _When_ I make this shot, can we make the -- "

"Make the shot, Agent," Coulson snapped.

"Not yet."

" _Make the shot!_ "

"Almost...and... _now_ ," Clint said, and shot the alien terrorist in the one square inch of his body that wouldn't cause him to blow up but would cause him to die.

A square inch, pfft. Not even a challenge.

"I'm calling my Sesame Street guy," Tony said.

"Where's Sesame Street?" Cap asked. "And who's this Grover fella?"

Everyone sighed.


	3. Bruce Has Secret Musical Talents

If you come from outer space,  
From some far galactic place,  
You know what you have to do?  
 _Get the fuck along!_

If you want to kill us dead,  
Then you're messed up in the head,  
We'd like to not kill you,  
 _Get the fuck along!_

Because humans are tiny, mean, and aaaaarogant,  
But we also have some people that weeee can send,  
Who were handpicked and handtrained to defeeeeend,  
The Earth and all its people to the eeeeend

We have lots of awesome things,  
Like donuts and video games  
We will share them all with you,  
 _If we can get the fuck along!_

It might not have stopped all of the alien invasions, but it did stop at least two. Bruce thought aliens probably figured if humans could get along with furry blue monsters (Tony actually did have a Sesame Street guy, even if they wouldn't let it air on the show) they could be dealt with rationally.

Plus, it was totally a catchy tune.


	4. Thor Odinson Is In Ur Base

"It's really quite simple," the Kanit captain said, slapping his black gloves against his thigh. The Kanit looked human, mostly, except for the two prehensile tentacles sprouting from their bald heads. "All you must do is present us with some feat or material good that declares you worthy."

Their advance guard had landed on the Helicarrier about half an hour ago, very politely. They'd hailed in English, explained that they were a galactic peacekeeping and maintenance force, and that their entire race, on three heavily armed ships, were in orbit around Earth. They had been unfailingly well-mannered as they requested a meeting with the planetary defense organization known as the Avengers.

"Worthy of what, precisely?" Coulson asked. He'd been unfailingly polite to them in return, since they'd landed, and Tony was beginning to get itchy from all the good manners.

"Existence," the Kanit captain said casually. The Avengers exchanged glances. "Our task is to ensure that only species which contribute to the improvement and spiritual purity of the galaxy are allowed to prosper."

"Well, I'm sure we can come to some arrangement," Coulson replied. "Captain, if you would give us a few moments to discuss what we could provide?"

"Certainly."

"Wonderful. In the meantime, some of our agents will make sure you're made comfortable," Coulson said, and the Kanit soldiers were led out of the conference room. Nobody spoke for a minute.

"Are we seriously going to...appease those...beings?" Steve exploded, after a minute.

"They're heavily armed," Coulson said mildly.

"Beg pardon, but I know a god-damned _Nazi_ when I meet one!" Steve said. "Spiritual purity! I'll show them some -- "

"Be at ease, my righteously indignant friend," Thor said. "My people have encountered the Kanit before. They are bullies, but cowards, as all bullies are."

"Cap's right, though," Natasha said. "This reeks of death camps."

"I have a plan," Thor intoned.

* * *

By the following morning, every Starbucks in the city had been mobilized. They set up in Madison Square Garden, and Cap courteously invited the entire population of all three Kanit ships down to the planet to sample the beverage of the gods. (Tony took offense to Starbucks being the preparators, but he couldn't deny they got the job done.)

"What is this called?" the Kanit captain asked, sniffing the second cup that was presented to him when he'd finished the first. 

"It's a mocha," Coulson said. The captain, who had been unconvinced by the first cup ("It is bitter!") sipped it cautiously. Tony suspected Phil Coulson was on heavy mood stabilizers of some kind, because there was no way Tony would be able to stand there calmly, blandly even, and not fidget hopefully. 

"Ah, I see," the captain said, nodding. He set the cup down. "Thank you, Agent Coulson. Humanity has proved itself worthy for now. We will return in a hundred or so years to monitor your progress."

"We look forward to it," Coulson replied, as the Kanit began to assemble to return to their ships. He cast a glance at Tony, who gave him the barest nod: everything was proceeding as planned.

* * *

Two dshos -- about ten minutes -- after the Kanit fleet left the Earth's solar system, navigation and comms suddenly went down. There was general panic, until the face of a large blond man with a red cape appeared on the viewscreens. The one they called Thor, the captain thought. 

"Greetings, fellow visitors to Midgard," Thor said, smiling cheerily. "You may be aware that your ability to communicate and navigate has failed. Do not be alarmed. The ships have been set on a course for a planet some ways distant from Earth, where they will land safely. You will have enough time to evacuate quickly, and then your ships will destroy themselves. You will not suffer; the planet is well-grown with all necessary foodstuffs to support Kanit life, so I am assured."

"What outrage is this?" the captain hissed, but Thor spoke on over him.

"The inhabitants of Earth have examined your culture and judged that you are not spiritually pure enough to police the races of this galaxy. They are, however, merciful, a quality which they fear you lack. They have sentenced you to existence on this planet until such time as you may develop a more...cultured approach to other races. I wish you many years of tranquil survival on your new homeworld. I am informed that someone from Earth may visit you again in two or three hundred years, to monitor your progress. Farewell."

 _Take THAT in your coffee, you Nazi monsters!_ they heard a voice yell from offscreen, and Thor bellowed "Captain, you said you would not interrupt!" and then the recording went black.

* * *

"So," Coulson said, as the Starbucks minions began to tidy away the remains of the Kanit coffeeklatch. "How did you program a virus in an alien language?"

"Hm?" Tony asked. "Oh, I didn't. I mean, Jeff Goldblum on a Mac in Independence Day is well and good, but this is real life. That was all on Thor."

"Thor?"

"Sure. Allspeak. Turns out that even applies to computer code. He just got up to the Kanit ships, cracked his knuckles, and set to work. I don't know why you had us send Cap too, Thor's a big boy."

"I thought he'd find it satisfying," Coulson said, sipping a latte. "Thor, huh?"

"You know, he seems like he'd be dumb as a box of hair, but there's something going on between those giant godlike ears," Tony remarked.


	5. Don't Hug Natasha Without Asking First

The alien never gave itself a name. It showed up on Earth and turned an entire town into the happiest people Natasha had ever met. The whole thing was super-creepy. 

The Avengers got called out when SHIELD picked up weird energy signatures over the small midwestern town, and by the time they found the alien responsible, a few of them were almost ready to side with it. Everyone was just so cheerful, and they were all helping each other out, and one of them gave Tony a hug. Natasha broke the fingers of a woman trying to give _her_ a hug, and the woman just said "Oh dear, I'm so sorry! I should have asked first. Well, I'll go get this seen to -- you folks go on and do whatever it is you came to do."

"These people give really nice hugs," Tony said. 

"Is anyone else weirded out by this?" Natasha asked. Two children rode by on bicycles and waved. 

"Very," Cap said. 

"I like it here," Bruce protested. Clint was just watching some guy showing his daughter how to fix his motorcycle in the front driveway, a faint smile on his face. 

Thor was frankly in his element. _Everyone_ wanted to hug Thor. Natasha sidled closer to Cap. 

"If this is mind control, we should be ready to knock everyone unconscious and run," she murmured. 

"I'll take Bruce and Thor, you get Tony and Clint."

"What, you think I can't take the big guys?" 

"No! I just -- "

"Guys?" Tony interrupted, pointing down the street. A large purple...thing..."stood" in the road. It had lips that were smiling beatifically, but the lips were in the middle of a single prehensile limb sticking out from its more-or-less legs. 

"We greet you, Mighty Avengers," it said, and sort of bowed. "Welcome to the beginning of Utopia."

"Come again?" Cap asked. 

"We have come to bring joy to the people of this planet," it said. 

"Are you using the royal We, or are there more of you?" Clint asked, but he was smiling as he said it.

"We are one, and yet many. Don't be alarmed," it said. Natasha felt Cap reach for her hand. 

"Remember that conversation we had about the term 'wigged-out'?" she asked under her breath.

"Oh, I'm remembering it," he answered. Even Thor and Tony were looking suspicious about this.

"Last time someone offered peace, it was at the cost of free will," Cap pointed out.

"Nonsense. We have no desire to remove your independence. Merely to take away your pain," it answered. "Please, allow me to demonstrate?" 

Natasha could see the temptation on peoples' faces. Clint's brutal childhood, Bruce's loneliness, the blood on Tony's hands and Thor's lost brother -- even Cap, still grieving his old world...

She let go of Cap's hand, stepped forward, and raised her gun. 

"We'll pass, thanks," she said, because it was obvious nobody else was going to.

"We...what?" the alien asked. It sounded surprised. 

"I said, we'll pass," she replied. "You don't get the sun without the dark."

"That's a very earthbound way of putting things."

"You don't get joy without pain. Bliss impedes progress. No shortcuts," she said.

The thing was silent for a long moment. Tony shook his head as if he were clearing it. Cap blinked. Bruce murmured, _something's funky here..._

"Well, if it's pain you want," the alien said finally, lips stretching into a cruel grin, and energy crackled around it.

The people on the sidewalks, the men and women and the children, all fell to the ground screaming. Natasha could feel the shadows claw around the edges of her consciousness, sharp and hungry; she heard Cap's low moan and saw Bruce, out of the corner of her eye, wrap his arms around his chest, hunching over defensively. The others were trying -- mostly failing -- to stay upright. But it wasn't physical pain, just emotional, and...

_Red in my ledger. Red in my ledger._

"Honey," she said calmly, "you can't do anything to me I haven't done to myself."

Its mouth opened in surprise right before she kicked it in the teeth. It went over backwards, whimpering. 

"Get the fuck out," she said, standing over it. "Get out now and I won't make you suffer."

The thing faded away. Slowly, people began to pick themselves up off the ground. The Avengers crowded around her. Bruce was shivering. Clint was leaning into Tony, looking haggard.

"No utopias until we earn them," Natasha said. "Everyone clear on that? New Avengers policy."

"Clear," Tony said hoarsely. "Let's get the fuck out of happyville, I am deeply unsettled."


	6. Steve Rogers Makes A Video

"Captain, I have to admit, I'm a little confused by this incident report," Coulson said, studying his computer monitor. He snuck a look at Steve, who frowned.

"Did I fill in the form wrong? Or uh -- well, I used the spellchecker thing, it didn't say any of my words were wrong," Steve replied, craning his neck.

"No, it's perfectly legible, your usual concise report," Coulson replied, leaning back. "I'd just like to clarify a few points."

"Oh! Sure," Steve nodded. 

"It says here that a humanoid female appeared in your quarters at approximately twenty-two hundred last night," Coulson said. "And she said that she was attempting to repopulate her race, who come from a planet in a distant galaxy."

"That's right," Steve said cautiously.

"She then offered you the option of preventing her, and I quote, _forcible colonization of humanity in order to gestate a million young_ , by impregnating her yourself."

"Yes, Agent Coulson."

"I'm going to skip the complicated portions where she explained how this would repopulate her home planet..." Coulson skimmed down the report. "Now I just want to be absolutely, one hundred percent sure, when you said you engaged in _coitus for reproductive purposes_..."

"Sex, sir."

"Mmhm. Were you coerced into this act?"

"Well." Steve frowned again. "She was an awfully pretty dame. And I figured it was preferable to a million people dying. No, I didn't feel coerced. I got the feeling if I told her to buzz off and find some other planet she would have. She was nice. Good manners, you know."

"Good manners," Coulson said faintly. "Yes, well, I see that in the statement here. Are you...certain this wasn't a dream, Captain? I have to ask."

"I thought someone might ask. There's video footage," Steve said helpfully. "I attached it."

" _See attached file_."

"Tony helped me do that."

"You asked Tony Stark to help you send me a sex tape?"

"I told him he could watch it. I'm beginning to get the hang of how to deal with Tony," Steve said proudly. "Did you review the tape?"

"No, uh, as much as I...admire you, Captain, I don't think that's something I need to see," Coulson said. "And you're not concerned that a million of your offspring are currently repopulating a solar system in another galaxy?"

"She seemed like she'd be a pretty capable mother. I made sure to ask about, you know, whether her people eat their young or are in the habit of invading other planets for non-procreative purposes. She said they were mostly scientists. I offered to introduce her to Bruce, but she seemed happy with me."

"Steve, I'm going to ask you a question."

"Shoot," Steve said.

"You are claiming you had sex with an alien princess in order to save the planet?"

"That's about the size of it," Steve replied, nodding. 

"Well." Coulson clicked his mouse, and the file disappeared. "I'll put this in our sensitive-case folder. And thank you for taking one for the team, Captain." 

"My pleasure," Steve replied. 

"So the report informed me," Coulson sighed. "Dismissed, Captain."


End file.
